We went on telly today..
Well I did. Oatcake was there by my side. Papa Oatcake was there in spirit. When they asked us to share our story it was difficult to know how to feel. Since having Otis I’ve been split in two! A spark has been lit in half of me, and I want to change the world! I want to make this place wonderful, I don’t want our sons and daughters to face any of the difficulties we have. I want to start a revolution and raise millions and create world peace. (I’m basically miss world, without the legs) I want everyone to be kind and mindful and generous. Then the other half of me wants to sit quietly, mind our own business, enjoy sitting on the sofa watching game shows; cuddling up as a little family and not bother with anything outside our front door.
Our pregnancy story is so personal. So emotional. Were we ready to share it with the world? Maybe not. Maybe it’s better left in the past and never revisited.
But what if we did? What if there’s a mama lying on her sofa, alone, and this changes her life?? What if somebody’s boss sees it, and suddenly understands why that woman isn’t at work? What if a father or a husband sees it, and in years to come has the tiniest bit of understanding. I can’t not tell it. I have to tell it.
So we did it. I went on telly.
Now I get that if you’re watching it, it seems brief, fleeting, factual. It’s no big deal. But writing my story is one thing. Saying it aloud is another. Answering these questions is so hard. There’s so much I wish I’d said. And so much more that needs to be said. So I’m saying it here instead.
Did you consider abortion? Well no..I want Otis more than anything in the world! But that baby who was there at 6 weeks and 12 weeks and 20 weeks.. that wasn’t Otis.. at least not to me. (After ‘and no’ I wrote ‘and yes’ but then I deleted it. And rewrote it. And deleted it again. It’s things like this that you can’t bring yourself to say..)
Do you want another baby?
Of course I want another baby! Do I want to pregnant again? Well no, I’ll pass thanks! We probably will do it again. But that doesn’t mean it wasn’t an impossible existence. Mothers are strong. Seriously strong. We will move heaven and earth for our babies. And that’s how we will do it again. With that strength that gets born when you become a mama. It wasn’t there before.
And that’s one thing HG has shown me, how unbelievably strong we are.
So I’m glad I did it. I’m glad I told our story. Even if we just scratched the surface. The charity Pregnancy Sickness Support has had a hell of a lot of press coverage today and I’m totally honoured to have been a part of it. There are mamas out there who have been on this mission for many more years than me. But I’ve been welcomed into their fold like family.
The only good thing that came out of suffering with the God Awful disease is meeting such a wonderfully supportive bunch of mamas! I’ve seen women disclose their darkest fears and secrets, and these mamas offer nothing but understanding and support. It’s unbelievable.
P.O.’s at work tonight, Oatcake is asleep so sod it, I’m cracking open the prosecco and cheersing to a seriously successful day for this amazing little charity who maybe just saved me and this gorgeous baby of mine! Cheers!