I’ve absolutely loved following the #whenibecameamother campaign by Don’t Buy Her Flowers. And it got me thinking- no one seems to have the perfect journey. We said it about pregnancy when we were there, and I’d say it about parenthood now we are here- everyone seems to get their share of s***, and it’s rubbish. But the rest is wonderful, so, so wonderful!
The funny thing is, I don’t know ‘When I became a mother’. It certainly wasn’t on seeing those two little lines on a stick that I bought ‘just to check’ even though I KNEW I couldn’t be pregnant. It definitely wasn’t when we booked with the midwife and I cried and cried about wanting this baby gone, between throwing up on repeat and having my arm hooked up to a drip just to stay hydrated. It wasn’t at our scan when we decided to find out the baby’s gender in a desperate attempt to build up some sort of connection with this parasite that was taking EVERYTHING from me. But when things improved, weeks later, so did my mood and so did our bond.. and somewhere along the lines, before the end of the pregnancy, I started to love this little boy growing inside me. If I ever had to do anything scary (like an exam) or meet someone I was anxious to meet, everything was ok, because I wasn’t alone, I had my little buddy along for the ride.
When he was born though, I didn’t know him. I didn’t recognise him. He wasn’t who I had imagined him to be. I kept saying ‘Hello?’ ‘Who are you? ‘I don’t know you?!’. It wasn’t what I imagined, there was no rush of emotion, no sudden ‘ping! I’m a mother!’ moment. But he was all mine and I was ready to get to know him! Within a few days and ever since, he was my everything. I remember squirming when anyone else held him. I remember crying in those first few VERY emotional weeks and just wishing I could have him back inside, where he was ALL mine and no one else’s! (Fast forward four months and there were moments I was ready to chuck him out the window though…)
That 9 month’s maternity leave though was undoubtedly the BEST time of my life. Yes, there were moment of extreme sleep deprivation, a lot of mind boggling moment where we tried to understand this new life, but it made me! Very early on in Papa Oatcake and I’s relationship we talked about our dreams- and mine was to become a mummy. I feel so lucky to have found a place again this year that’s meant I can be at home a lot of the time and watch my gorgeous baby grow up, teach him and shape who he’s going to become.
It was a bumpy journey into motherhood, but it brought me the LOVE of my life. Who knows if we’ll ever be able to do it again, but Oatcake, you gave me everything I always wanted!