Baby blues. Blue babies.
When you came Daddy cried. Nana cried: I didn’t cry. They thrust you upon me, I couldn’t see your face. ‘Who are you?’ I kept asking! ‘Hello? Who are you! I don’t know you! Who are you? Hello?’ Those were the first words I said to you and I remember it vividly. Don’t get me wrong, it was unbelievable, amazing, beautiful, everything they said it would be. But you weren’t the baby I’d known for 9 months, the little man I’d been talking to, taking everywhere I went. Who are you?
It didn’t take long to get used to the new you, and now I can’t even remember who you were before. Now I’m head over heels in love with you, but it took a while.
The one thing I was totally unprepared for (and I mean totally, completely, entirely unprepared for) Was how emotional I would be. Baby blues, I knew about. This was more like baby blue, red, yellow, purple, black, a whole entire rainbow of feels. For the first few days I would cry hysterically about what I had achieved, how amazing you were, how amazing women are, how amazing midwives are, how amazing birth is.. I was in awe of life.
Then it switched, and I felt nothing. Literally nothing, like my brain had emptied. I’ve never felt it before or since and it is indescribably bizarre, to feel nothing.
And then came the blues. A full on Monet painting worth of shades. They’ve gone now, but they were here I wrote down some of the feels That I felt.. I am aware they are completely irrational and based entirely on fiction, but my brain thought them, and in an effort to spread the solidarity and the honesty, these were my feels…
1. I don’t want anyone else to hold him. If anyone picks him up it feels like my heart is ripping from my chest. Give him back.
2. I want to see no one. I want to hunker down in our little flat just the 3 of us. Forever.
3. I don’t want anyone to tell us what to do. Any opinion or question sounds loaded. Even if it’s not. Go away.
4. Otis doesn’t love me he just wants me for food. (This one makes me sad reading it back now, but I really did believe it.)
5. I preferred it when he was inside and we were together all the time and no one else could touch us. I just wish I was pregnant again.
6. I don’t like meeting the health visitors and midwives we don’t know, I want the old ones back.
I think I’m lucky, around 3 weeks they just passed. I woke up, put on nice clothes and make up and they had gone. I’m still having moments, mainly due to lack of adult conversation, lack of sleep and lack of purpose (other than being a feeding machine/cow for the little Prince), but we’re on top of it, we chat and we’re a team. I hope it stays this way, but for many people it doesn’t. It creeps up on them and makes life awful. So let’s open the conversation, lend an ear, lend a shoulder. Spread the solidarity! Big hugs mamas! X